


with a love that was more than love

by sweetoctopodes



Category: Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood & Manga
Genre: Developing Relationship, F/M, Fluff, Hospitalization, Light Angst, Post-Canon, Recovery, Romance, Trauma
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-06
Updated: 2018-12-31
Packaged: 2019-09-12 19:50:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,853
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16878129
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sweetoctopodes/pseuds/sweetoctopodes
Summary: Roy Mustang dreams, and his dreams confess his feelings. Riza Hawkeye doesn't know what to do with hers. They're two horribly broken people who just might be able to find solace with each other. Post Promised Day.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I will be completely honest: this fic literally happened when I was bored at work. I kept a notebook on me and started writing. And this is the result! Fair warning, it is currently unbetaed, so please bear with any spelling/grammar mistakes. I promise I'm trying to get over my comma addiction. 
> 
> This work is dedicated to the East City Writers. Y'all are amazing. 
> 
> There may be future smut, but for now, enjoy some post Promised Day feelings!

Roy doesn’t sleep much that first night in the hospital after the Promised Day. And when he does manage to sleep it’s nothing but nightmares. While he knows she’s there next to him in the adjacent bed he still dreams of her dying. Over and over she dies in his arms as he cries over her dead body, telling her that he loves her. 

And when he wakes it’s nothing but darkness. Truth had taken his sight, and in doing so also took his ability to see her. He’s lost in the blackness. He can’t even hear her. He calls out softly, 

“Lieutenant?” 

Silence. He only hears his heart beating. For a moment he panics. What if this is just another dream where he finds her dead again? He’s trapped in this neverending darkness and he can’t even find her so she can guide him out. 

“Hawkeye, are you there?” The anxiety is more prevalent in his voice this time. He prays that she’s there to respond. 

“I’m here, Colonel.”

Her voice calms him down almost immediately. Part of him still fears this is actually a dream, but it’s still good to hear her. He hears her bed sheets rustle, footsteps on the cold hospital floor, and suddenly the bed lurches as she sits down next to him and clasps his hands in hers. 

“I’m here.” 

There’s a certain unsteadiness in her voice. He wonders if perhaps she’s been consumed by nightmares as well. He sits up and leans closer to her. He’s used to her presence, but the blindness does make it harder. He squeezes her hands. 

“Are you okay?” he asks softly. 

There’s a pause. And then, “No.”

His heart breaks for a moment when he hears her answer. It isn’t surprising to say the least, but it still hurts to see her in pain. He feels hot tears welling up in his eyes.

“I’m so sorry, Hawkeye.” He carefully lifts his hands and cradles her cheeks, pressing his forehead against hers. “I’m so sorry.” His voice cracks with emotion. “I don’t know what I would have done if I lost you, too.”

There’s a dampness on her cheeks, and his thumbs wipe it away as best he can. He’s made her cry, now. There’s no forgiving himself for that. 

“I thought...when they took you, I was so scared that I would never see you again. And I was helpless to do anything. I’m glad I’m alive to see you recover.”

He moves his hands from her cheeks and wraps her in his arms. Her heartbeat, her touch, it’s all a comfort to him. She’s here and she’s alive. (He might be in love with her.) He holds her close, refusing to let go of the best thing that’s ever happened to him. 

“In my dreams I...I keep seeing you die in my arms. Everything is the same, but you don’t wake up. And if it isn’t that I see Truth killing you to punish me for everything.” He can feel her shaking in his arms. “You are my heart, Hawkeye.”

Hawkeye pulls back for a moment to look at him. He may not be able to see her, but he feels her gaze studying him and trying to process his meaning. She has always preferred actions to words. But his words now both fill her heart and make it heavy. She doesn’t know what to say. Does she tell him that he is her heart, too? Does she tell him that she cares so much about him that losing him would ruin her? 

The next thing Roy feels is her lips on his cheek; gentle, as if she’s scared of breaking him. She lets herself linger there for a moment before leaning her head on his shoulder. 

“I’m sorry,” she whispers.

“For what?” 

“For everything.”

They stay like that for a while, holding each other, trying to find some sort of peace of mind in a world of chaos. Their bond had crossed the line of fraternization long ago, but neither of them care about whether or not comforting each other is against the rules. They need this moment, this intimacy. 

“The sun is rising,” says Riza as she gazes out the window. “The nurses will be in soon to check on us.” 

Roy sighs. “Thirty more seconds. I just need thirty seconds.” He counts mentally. One. Two. Three.

“I’m glad you’re here,” Hawkeye says. “With me” It’s the closest she can get to telling him her true feelings.

And god, she says that and he just wants to hold her even more, to tell her he loves her, to cherish her forever. He loves her so much. She’s his anchor, his compass, his kick in the ass when he needs it. She makes him a better person, and he can only hope that he does the same for her. Almost losing himself, then almost losing her slapped him in the face. He has other people to help him rebuild Amestris. Havoc, Breda, Fallman, Fuery. The Briggs men. Grumman. He has no other Riza Hawkeye. 

But for now, he just smiles. “Okay. Let’s go rebuild Amestris.”

* * *

“Are you ready, Mustang?” asks Marcoh. “I must warn you it may not be comfortable.”

Roy nods. “I’m ready.” 

There’s a flash of light, and then everything is a little bit blurry. At first, the figures standing before him are in greyscale, but as his vision focuses everything becomes clearer and in color. He blinks several times and sees Marcoh directly in front of him. And then next to him, Riza Hawkeye.

There are several “firsts” that he has when it comes to seeing Riza Hawkeye. The first time he saw her, they were both children, barely even teenagers. She was a young, wild thing, prone to wandering in the forests and hiding places so she could read. 

Then there was the first time he saw her without a shirt. She revealed the secrets of flame alchemy to him. And while Roy’s love for alchemy and research felt excited at the reveal, the rest of him felt sympathy for what she had endured. 

The first time he saw her as a soldier was when she saved his life in Ishval.

“Remember me?” She had asked that then, and he almost didn’t recognize her. She was no longer a bright young girl -- she was a trained killer and a good one at that. She looked exhausted, the same tired expression he suspected he had as well. Too tired of killing citizens. Ready to help others instead of killing them. 

The first time he saw her injured happened in Ishval. An enemy soldier attacked her from behind, managed to stab her arm before she shot him. Fortunately, Amestrian doctors and alchemists took care of their own, especially when she was a horribly talented sniper. They couldn’t risk losing her. In a way, Roy hoped that it would take her off the battlefield and give her a chance to be free from the war. Neither of them were that lucky.

The first time Roy saw her with long hair, his heart skipped a beat. She’d been growing it out and he realized that she looked good. He loves her short hair, but her long hair made his head turn just a bit.

And now this is the first time seeing her since the Promised Day. The last time he saw her, she nearly bled out in his arms. Back then she had smiled at him for understanding her signals, she called out for him when Bradley and Pride forced him to open the portal. It was the last thing he heard before he went through. 

She doesn’t touch him, but she stares at him in anticipation. “Can you see, sir?” 

He smiles at her. She’s still got her hospital gown on, and the stitches on her neck haven’t been removed yet. But the way she looks at him takes his breath away. “Yeah, I can see.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Feelings swell, but what to do with the laws that keep them apart? What of consequences? What of love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Shoutout to the East City Writers Club for being so wonderful and patient with me. Y'all are some of the best people I've ever known. Thanks for sticking with me. Please leave some comments and reviews! Shoutout to Jaz for being my first commenter! I know it's been a bit short so far but that's in part because I've handwritten a lot of this at work, but I can promise you that this story WILL get longer as we go on!

Riza Hawkeye may or may not be in love with her superior and it is probably a problem. Even before Marcoh showed up with his offer and the Philosopher's Stone he had her help him remember and read what he needs to know to help rebuild Amestris. His first goal is to restore Ishval to its people and help them gain independence. That in itself would be a difficulty, but the rest of it seemed just as impossible. They needed to decrease the overall military presence in Amestris, particularly Central. They need to restore power to the parliament and the people. 

It occurs to Riza that she could always step down from her position in the military. She’s never truly enjoyed being a soldier, and yet she stays for a single reason: Roy Mustang. Could she leave him behind to gain something for her own selfish reasons? Could she rebuild her own life outside of the military? Her skills boil down to sniping and taking care of Hayate. Those two skills don’t offer much in the way of finding a job outside of the military.

Riza’s face flushes as she realizes that part of why she seriously considers stepping down is so she can truly explore her feelings for him without violating the military’s rules. He’s a genuinely good man. Flawed, certainly, but still good. He always thinks of others, of the good of the country before himself. His kindness alongside his cunningness inspires her. It inspires anyone who knows him. 

It’s been a week since the hospital released them. A week since some shared moments of silence and trauma, of comfort and intimacy. And in a strange way, she misses it. 

Make no mistake, Roy is the military’s problem prodigy. (Arguably more so than Edward Elric, who immediately left the military after the Promised Day.) Roy Mustang holds close friendships with all of his men, and all of those friendships could be considered fraternization. What’s a little bit of fraternization between friends and teammates? Roy loves his team with all of his heart. (She can’t help but think of the way he called her his heart, too.) Frankly, while General Olivier Mira Armstrong could be an absolute ass about things, she has the right idea overall. Her stance toward leadership is more appropriate by military standards. Then again --

Her thoughts are interrupted by Mustang’s furrowed brow. 

“What’s wrong, Lieutenant?” he asks. 

Hawkeye looks up from the paperwork she definitely isn’t paying attention to. She hadn’t realized how lost in thought she had been until he pulled her out of it. 

“Nothing, Sir. Go back to your work.”

Mustang doesn’t buy it, but he also doesn’t push it. He knows better than that.

Riza Hawkeye is in love with her boss and it is  _ definitely  _ a problem. 

* * *

Roy is aware of the fact that he is brilliant and cunning when it comes to things like alchemy and strategy. But when it comes to actual romance and not dates set up for intel he feels like he’s trying to learn calculus in a different language. He knows he loves Riza Hawkeye, but she is also his subordinate. That’s already a bad start to his forbidden feelings. She may not even feel the same way. He could jeopardize both of their careers even just by telling her should she decide to report him for it.

It’s obvious to him that he doesn’t deserve her in the first place. SHe’s so strong in so many ways. He admires her for that. Sure, telling her could cost him everything, but not telling her feels like a dagger through the heart. For years he assumed that he found happiness in his career, in his attempts to save the country. But she makes him happy, too. Does he even deserve that kind of happiness? Mustang isn’t sure. But should he at least give himself a chance at finding love?

Roy sighs at his desk. He needs to focus on rebuilding Amestris and not pine over the one person he can’t have. He wonders, would things have been different if she had never joined the military? Would it have been different if he hadn’t been her superior from the start? If they met over coffee or dogs or any other normal way? 

But doesn’t she deserve to know the truth of why he’s spent the last three weeks out of the hospital being distant and cold? At the very least he should transfer. Maybe that would give him a chance to get over her. She deserves to know, and she deserves to know why he needs to make plans to transfer and leave her behind. 

The idea of leaving her almost physically pains him. She’s been a loyal soldier. A loyal friend. She’s saved his life more times than he can count. Does he know how to fight without her at his back, her absence at his side? That impending loneliness doesn’t matter to him. Roy has feelings for his Lieutenant. The only appropriate thing is to tell her and move on, away from the temptation of loving her.

He doesn’t start the paperwork but instead writes her an encoded message. With any luck, she’ll understand and send him on his way.

* * *

Riza finds the note hidden among her paperwork. It gives her pause for a moment. Colonel Mustang clearly sent it, but it’s been a while since they worked in code. Usually, a note like the one in her hands means that something is wrong, something they can’t speak about in the office.

**SOUTH COLEMAN AVENUE**

**QUEEN COMPANY STEEL WAREHOUSE**

**9:00 PM**

Riza’s mind races. She knows the warehouse mentioned in the note. It’s a fairly abandoned place, one that’s been closed and reopened too many times for people to trust that spot. It’s not far from the place where they first interrogated Barry the Chopper. This is a very, very off the record meeting. And at that time of night, it’s reasonable for her to assume that there would be almost no one else around. Is someone watching them already? Have they already made enemies in their attempts to restore Ishval? Why would he meet her in such an abandoned spot?

She doesn’t have time to think about all of the ways things could go wrong right now, the possibility that this is actually an ambush or an assassination attempt. She destroys the note and waits patiently for the appointed time. She knows better than to act differently around Mustang when they have a rendezvous set up. Still, something tugs at the back of her mind, wondering and worrying. At five o’clock, she heads home and makes herself dinner. She reads, and as 9 pm approaches, she puts a jacket on and heads to the warehouse.

* * *

The warehouse is mostly empty. He’s already standing there when she arrives, his hands held together in front of his stomach. He almost looks...worried?

“Thank you for meeting me here, Lieutenant.” His stomach is tied in knots. He’s never been a coward but telling her his feelings could compromise everything. Then again, he’s already been compromised by the fact that he has feelings for her in the first place.

“Is everything all right, sir?” she asks, focusing on his face. She’s always been able to read him so well, but there’s something simmering beneath the surface there, something she can’t quite identify.

Roy is silent for a moment. And then, “I’m considering transferring. And if I do, I don’t think I can take you with me.”

Riza blinks. “Excuse me?” There’s anger and confusion in her voice, and Roy can tell that if he doesn’t explain his reasoning, she’s going to yell at him. She’s always been stubborn, willing to risk insubordination in order to keep him out of trouble, even if that trouble is his own stubbornness. Is that why he brought her here? To tell her that he’s leaving her? A knot twists in her stomach. Why the hell would he abandon her like this?

“It’s not what you think, Lieutenant.”

“You have five seconds to explain yourself, Colonel. I promised you that I would follow you wherever you went. If you’re relieving me of that promise I don’t exactly think this is the most appropriate time or place,  _ sir. _ ” There’s a certain bitterness in her voice. She will give him a chance to explain himself, but not before he knows just how badly the idea of being apart from him hurts her.

“Look, Lieutenant, I have developed...certain feelings. For you. Feelings that aren’t appropriate for me to have as your commanding officer.” He looks down. “I must apologize, Lieutenant. I’m afraid I’ve fallen in love with you and it terrifies me. The proper thing for me to do is transfer away from you and move on. I wanted to tell you the truth before I finalize the paperwork. You deserve the truth.

Hawkeye’s head spins. Did he bring her all the way out here to...confess his feelings? And oh shit, her commanding officer is in love with her. And she can’t say she  _ doesn’t  _ feel the same, but what would that mean for them? For their careers? For  _ his _ career? Even telling her could risk a court-martial, could risk either of them getting fired. And yet...she cares about him. More than she should. More than is appropriate. Her feelings for him hit her hard, and a lump forms in her throat. She’s in love with him, too.

“Don’t write out the transfer request just yet. I...you have to understand that this is a lot for me to take in. It’s not that I don’t care about you or reciprocate your feelings, there’s just so much at risk with this. Why now?”

He looks at her, eyes wide with concern. But deeper in his eyes there’s something else in his gaze: love. “You almost died in my arms. I think for a moment you might have been dead. You were slipping away from me and there was nothing I could do. And then...after everything, I almost didn’t get to see your face again. And despite the fact that I tried to ignore my feelings they just grew. I knew that I wouldn’t be able to forgive myself if I didn’t at least tell you. I couldn’t hold it in anymore. I’m sorry.”

Hawkeye looks down for a moment. “I understand, sir.” She doesn’t say anything for a moment, and Mustang panics internally. Had he miscalculated? She turns away from him, processing everything.

“Just say the word, Lieutenant and I’ll never speak of this again. I understand if you don’t feel the same way.”

Hawkeye turns to him and puts her hand on his arm, pulling him ever so slightly closer. “No, I do.” She exhales. “I do. It’s just that this could ruin everything you’ve worked for and I couldn’t stand being the reason why you fail to reach your goals. I can’t do that to you or to myself.”

Roy smiles. “You really feel the same way about me?” 

Riza flushes, realizing what she had confessed. “That’s what you got out of that? I’m trying to think practically about this, sir!” It’s not as much of a protest as she had intended. But Roy just grins and looks relieved. 

“You have feelings for me, too,” he teases, grinning at her with a wolfish grin.

“Of course I do, you idiot. I’m surprised you didn’t realize that sooner. It’s just. Haven’t you considered the consequences? 

“Of course I have, Hawkeye. I’ve looked at this from every possible angle. I’ve thought about being court-martialed, about you getting hurt, about me getting hurt. There are many ways that this could hurt us. It’s worth the risk to me. You’re worth the risk.”

Roy pauses for a moment. “And I can’t stop thinking about how Hughes always…” His voice nearly cracks with emotion. “Hughes always told me that ambition is worth nothing if you have no one to share it with. That all of the success I’ve always dreamed of will be pointless if I find myself alone by the end of it. And he was right.” Roy places his hand on top of Riza’s and squeezes it gently. “I want to share these things with you. I can’t imagine my life without you.” 

Riza sits there in stunned silence for a moment. She places her hand on his cheek and kisses the opposite cheek. “We have a few options here. One: we pretend none of this ever happened and go back to whatever we were before this. We don’t risk our careers, and you become Fuhrer. Two: we risk everything. You could lose your chance to become Fuhrer. But we’d both be happy and together.”

Roy leans into her touch. “I think I’ve made my decision clear. I leave the rest up to you, and I will respect whatever decision you make.”

He can barely finish his sentence when Riza leans forward and kisses him. He’s surprised for a moment and then kisses her back, wrapping his arms around her as she snakes her fingers through his hair. It’s the first time she’s kissed him since they were young. They were so much more foolish then, so young and uncertain what they would find together. Her hair was shorter then; neither of them had the eyes of killers.

And yet as they kiss there in the empty warehouse, Roy almost feels like he’s twenty-two again and kissing the most beautiful woman he’s ever known. As for Riza, kissing Roy feels like coming home to someplace safe. 

They part for a moment and Roy opens his eyes and stares at her with bewilderment and love. Riza slowly opens her eyes and smiles at him. 

“Okay just to be clear, this means that you’re in this with me? You actually want to, you know,” he asks nervously. He really feels like he’s young again. 

Riza playfully swats his shoulder and kisses his cheek again. “Yes. I’d like to be your girlfriend, even if we’re the only two people who ever know.”

This time it’s Roy that starts the kiss. They stay like that for a few minutes, enjoying the taste of each other, the feel of the other’s lips, their touch. 

“I’ve wanted to do that for so long,” he whispers. He nibbles gently at her ear and kisses down her neck and jaw. She sighs in response, refusing to let go of him.

“Think you’d like to take this back to my place?” she asks.

Roy pulls back for a moment and raises an eyebrow, the lust in his eyes nearly palpable. “Oh? Are you implying what I think you’re implying, Miss Hawkeye?” His voice deepens as he speaks, and it’s made clear to Riza that if and when they sleep together she’ll be awake all night screaming his name.

He kisses her forehead softly. “This is all very new. We can wait if you’d prefer.” 

Riza squeezes his hand. “I think we’ve waited long enough, sir.” 

He smiles. “Call me Roy.”


End file.
